art is the axe

from the mouth of my therapist:

"what we make something mean determines how we feel about it"

I hold onto this when I begin to react to something too quickly or too emotionally. It's difficult to step back and re-examine situations that you feel strongly about before the knee jerk reactions set in...but it's much more beneficial and wastes less energy if one can do so. I'm working on it.

In other terribly sad news, I got a phone call last night from one of Tay's friend's parents - letting me know that her son, Tay's good friend, had passed away over the weekend. He was only 17. He had chronic lung disease and other medical issues and apparently lapsed into a coma. I had to break the news to Tay and she was in complete shock. She just sat there staring off. She said she had just spoke with him last week and things were ok. Gotta call her school counselor this morning to see if she can see her.

It was too soon for him to go. He was such a sweet, sweet spirit.

lovin'

-the amazing weather we've had over the past several days...clear skies, cool, sunny..perfect.

-we're about to go see a performance of Macbeth that Love has worked very hard on with his students

-T has someone special in her life which makes her less moody and much sweeter. I'll take it.

-the droplets of strength that come when I least expect

-Leenda's suggestion of taking Cymbalta at night...thank you, no more nausea! 

-the deaf dalmation mix that is up for adoption...I would love to give it a home but we have no room

-being non-depressed for the past 24 hours now. yay. small portions...but good.

loathe's

-waking every morning at 2am or so and having trouble getting to sleep again...must be the meds somehow. Need a tranquilizer.

-a client no-showing

-loud, disruptive neighbors

-the sound of my alarm - must get something else, it literally hurts my ears...it's not loud it's just extremely annoying

-the $$$$ these appointments and meds are costing!

-a lump of scar tissue under my C-section scar that is becoming extremely painful at various times throughout the day

(seeing a Dr. Monday for this=more $)

Halloween and that is a happy thing. In my search for a little color I found this:

Pumpkinheads

. I thought it was rather fitting.

Last night we went, on a whim to see a play here at the local community theatre. Some pros and cons involved:

pro's:

-changing up the pace

-realizing it was the theatre's 45th anniversary

-the production, 7 Keys (had it's high's and low's...ran a little too long and was slow at times but overall I enjoyed it.)

-date with Love

con's:

-the two women behind us who bitched, sighed and ate throughout the entire show - it's a tiny place so I'm sure we weren't the only ones who were nearly pushed over the edge by these two  

-feeling slightly ill while there due to the meds side effects.

Other stuff randomly:

today it is heavenly outside

tomorrow i go to a wedding

today one of us will carve the pumpkin but we might have to buy more because I think we all want to do it. who would've thought pumpkin carving would be so inviting...it's like it becomes my friend after I carve it or something.

most parents of small children take the good candy from their bags when they aren't looking

this year I just bought a huge bag of the good candy since T doesn't trick or treat anymore...the Whoppers are the only ones left.

been waking up at 3 or 4 am for the past several days for no good reason and toss around till the alarm goes off

need to select photographs for the call for entries next weekend - this always results in a dramatic display of my indecisiveness

sometimes no punctuation is good

I like how the sentences just lay free

-

Today's doctor visit included lots of wtf's. (What the fuck, where the fuck, who the fuck?)

Ok, picture yourself entering a doctor's office. What do you see? You see a nice lobby, a receptionist, a sign-in clipboard, maybe some magazines on end tables. Right? Yes, so do I.

Today's visit to the doctor smashed that image very quickly. I walk in and am met by clouds of incense smoke. I look around and see huge posters of the Doors and Beatles on the walls framed and about 20 various photographs of  horses. There was not a receptionist. There was a man behind a table (looked like a dining room table) with a cap on, tennis shoes and t-shirt typing and answering phones.There were Monster Energy drink cans on the desk, papers EVERYwhere and a carton of eggs on the desk as well. Yes, a dozen eggs - his lunch. It was like walking into a college dorm room. I totally expected someone to pass me a joint at any given moment. The doctor comes out in a hippie shirt and jeans...shuffling through papers. I thought for a second: this is bullshit, this doc cannot be legit...oh my god, what is happening, where am I? etc...but the two hour wait gave me plenty of time to process the place fully.

The doctor was ok. Not very warm or endearing but did her job. Oh and the horse obsession didn't stop in the waiting room. Her office was completely decked out with horse pictures, paintings, statues..even her desk lamp was the shape of a horses head. 

 After some discussion, she diagnosed me with ADD which I've always sort of figured but never had a formal diag. on it. Also Bipolar I, and the anxiety disorder that I've known about. A total of 5 prescriptions to begin. I'm a bit concerned with the amount of pills I'll be taking but I suppose it's what I need to balance out. 

What a bizarre experience... 

Neigh... 

well not really that many doctors but still...

I made an appointment for another Psychiatrist today. Even though a few posts ago I went on about how great it was that my former one moved away. My therapist suggested going to see if I can get on a mood stabilizer or something to help with my manic episodes. Part of me dreads this...another doctor, more pills. More proof that I'm off my fucking rocker. I inherited this disease though...not my fault. Gotta remember that.

Hopefully this one will be gentle, won't fill me with too many drugs and won't talk about how xanax is addictive. I don't really care if it's addictive. It helps me so I take it when I need to. It's not crack rock, I don't abuse it. Also hoping that I won't have a crying spell while there. I've been having these since last night. Full on spraying tears. My face hurts. My life is good and I'm grateful for it...just feeling out of balance lately. Gotta get checked.

It is 63 degrees in here. It's wonderful. I think a fire is in order tonight. We cherish our cold fronts around here.

woke at 3am to find the other half of the bed empty. somehow this always causes some rush of anxiety to occur - even though i know he's asleep on the couch. don't know what that's about.

when i woke, I found Mary sleeping beside me but Baby Girl was on the couch with Love which was surprising...so surprising that the child in me got a teensy bit jealous. See, BG and I are close in a way I cannot even begin to touch on. We're connected at the soul. Don't get me wrong, I adore my Mary Tiny as well...just it's different. See, that's probably what my mom said about my sister and I. Sister was Baby Girl and I am Mary Tiny. Hmmm...I have a therapy appointment Monday. :-)

Randoms:

brother and wife should be here today - they honeymooned in San Antonio

I will be purchasing pumpkins today. At least one

Speaking of pumpkins, my mom and her former mate used to call one another 'punkin' it angered me. still does.

I'm having a fit of mania right now.

The doctor never called me back..

My association wants a lot of money. I have been paying them lots of money and they are borderline Nazi piglets who will not leave me alone. Now they want me to remove my wooden blinds. These have been hanging for two years.

This post probably falls under the most 'mental' umbrella. Oh well. Happy Saturday in October.   

It's been a week of uncertainty and anxiety...work is the culprit this time. Always something. Why is it so difficult to let go of self-doubts and worries? I know what a waste of energy worrying is. I do realize this...it's there though. It lingers. It's also been one of those weeks where I feel like I cannot catch up..with sleep, with things to do at work and home, etc. I've just been behind and pulled in every direction which only makes the catching up harder to do. Ok, vent over.

The good things are:

-my family and their love and support through pretty much everything

-my therapist and her insight and ability to guide me through the darkness gently

-the underlying knowledge that no matter what, it will be ok

-the fact that 10 years ago I would have never imagined I'd be where I am today -- and that is a healthy, good place.

-pumpkins (random but they somehow bring me bizarre happiness) 

Ladygulf5s

Off to Mississippi to my little brother's wedding - as soon as my car returns from the shop because apparently I had a total of 7 nails in my tires. No construction going on around me so it's a mystery to me.

 This is the catholic church that the vows will be exchanged in. Luckily this old gal survived Katrina somehow.

It's going to be quite an event...will post pics when we get back. Two people in the wedding have broken something (toe/foot...) so say a prayer, thought, whatever... that I don't get some strange injury please. We'll all be limping down the aisle.  

loves:

-long weekend coming up...seeing family & friends for the big wedding (my little brother) 

-feeling semi accomplished after work (actually doing something around the house other than ignoring the mess)

-seeing my therapist for the first time in 9 months yesterday

-talks over coffee with Love every morning before the daily grind begins

-Tay's insanity and sense of humor. Even when I'm down, she can make me laugh out loud.

-Singing Happy Birthday to Mary yesterday with a tiny 'cake' I made out of chicken. Yes I did put a candle in it.

-When Love says "BE QUIET" in a British Monty Python way to the dog's when they're howling/barking.

loathe's:

-the recommendation of going to a Psychiatrist...again.

-night sweats/nightmares

-money related stress (or lack thereof)