art is the axe

Start/The Stopping

1.
my flames rise to the gulf of you.
i am the orange parachute in your black and white dream.
as my brilliance flares, your leaden tent
begins to form as skin.
my light is too slow in reaching your constellation.

2.
depression takes over
in the two minutes since you have left.
you move over me like frost.
if one hundred seconds
have wrenched blood from my heart so fully,
how will hours pass?
this minute prays for childless seconds, the time filled like ashtrays.

3.
the evidence has mounted:
a hand held loosely, by you and my wrist.
you surround me fruit-like, the rind torn away.
the pulp without shelter flows unconsenting.
the moon hits and hits
again. i trim the hangnail moon and close the blinds.

4.
there is no action kind enough to express heartbreak.
I am left
shut,
the quietest of blossoms.

grief and i are arm in arm again. there are stages you know. i wish there was a 'grief' pill on the market. you'd only be an eligible recipent of the grief pill if you had previously gone through all of the stages at least twice. i'm saying, we all know that suffering and sorrow are necessary evils but where's the limit. i'm certainly eligible for the highest milligram of the grief medication.

the parents of the children I teach are often going though at least one of these grief stages due to finding out that their child is deaf. the denial stage, anger, guilt, depression...barganing. it's there. i bounced around between a few of them today and expect that i will be for a while

and

jumping abruptly to randoms:

-since sarah and others have asked about photo purchasing i am going to put up an etsy site...it will have the signed prints in different sizes available singly as well as matted and/or framed, I'll most likely also be doing postcard & notecard sets too. 

yep. that''s all for now.

send peace waves please. thanks.

relationship is over

just like that. and i am shocked and shaking in my grief. for this boy I did love.

I'm going to begin writing a memoir

my guts, heart, lungs, and soul are a bloody mess on the floor

this pain scares me

Delicate Balance was the chosen one by the Juror! And the prize winner is LUCY!!! Yay!

thank you guys for all of your support & comments :)

well, not exactly 24 hours but tomorrow is the drawing so critique me while there's still time :o) ! (read post below)

Those of you who already have, thank you for your insight, your compliments and your suggestions as well as taking the time to view my work. It's something personal, yet needs to be shared.

You all kick ass!!

Just realized that I have never sent a post to my neighbors prior to this.I did today in hope for your feedback, thoughts, critiques, ideas, etc.

Today is the submission for the Winter Juried Art Exhibition. Each artist can submit up to three works in any medium. I selected and submitted these three photos (8X10 matted & framed) - with the advice/counsel/assistance of a couple of important people.

Delicate Balance:

Sunflower_rearview

Part-Time:

Part time

1 comment

Broken Home:

Pigeonwindows

2 comments

Although they are now in the hands of the juror..I want to know what you all think. I'm not fishing for compliments here...that's not what it's about. I am intrigued by people's perceptions. This came up in conversation last night while trying to choose which ones to enter...

So...if you'd be so inclined tell me your thoughts. They by no means have to be 'good' and no I won't hold it against you or stop reading your posts. :) Everyone interprets art differently and I understand and respect that. In order to improve my work, I want to know what other's see when they look at it.

some questions to think about... 

which one do you favor, if any? why?

what do these images evoke?

is there one or more that you wouldn't have submitted? which and why? 

WHAT'S IN IT FOR YOU? A prize of course. All you awesome neighbors who leave feedback will be entered into a little drawing to win an 8x10 copy of one of the above photos (the winner chooses the photo they want). Drawing will take place on Tuesday. 

=) 

from the mouth of my therapist:

"what we make something mean determines how we feel about it"

I hold onto this when I begin to react to something too quickly or too emotionally. It's difficult to step back and re-examine situations that you feel strongly about before the knee jerk reactions set in...but it's much more beneficial and wastes less energy if one can do so. I'm working on it.

In other terribly sad news, I got a phone call last night from one of Tay's friend's parents - letting me know that her son, Tay's good friend, had passed away over the weekend. He was only 17. He had chronic lung disease and other medical issues and apparently lapsed into a coma. I had to break the news to Tay and she was in complete shock. She just sat there staring off. She said she had just spoke with him last week and things were ok. Gotta call her school counselor this morning to see if she can see her.

It was too soon for him to go. He was such a sweet, sweet spirit.

lovin'

-the amazing weather we've had over the past several days...clear skies, cool, sunny..perfect.

-we're about to go see a performance of Macbeth that Love has worked very hard on with his students

-T has someone special in her life which makes her less moody and much sweeter. I'll take it.

-the droplets of strength that come when I least expect

-Leenda's suggestion of taking Cymbalta at night...thank you, no more nausea! 

-the deaf dalmation mix that is up for adoption...I would love to give it a home but we have no room

-being non-depressed for the past 24 hours now. yay. small portions...but good.

loathe's

-waking every morning at 2am or so and having trouble getting to sleep again...must be the meds somehow. Need a tranquilizer.

-a client no-showing

-loud, disruptive neighbors

-the sound of my alarm - must get something else, it literally hurts my ears...it's not loud it's just extremely annoying

-the $$$$ these appointments and meds are costing!

-a lump of scar tissue under my C-section scar that is becoming extremely painful at various times throughout the day

(seeing a Dr. Monday for this=more $)

Halloween and that is a happy thing. In my search for a little color I found this:

Pumpkinheads

. I thought it was rather fitting.

Last night we went, on a whim to see a play here at the local community theatre. Some pros and cons involved:

pro's:

-changing up the pace

-realizing it was the theatre's 45th anniversary

-the production, 7 Keys (had it's high's and low's...ran a little too long and was slow at times but overall I enjoyed it.)

-date with Love

con's:

-the two women behind us who bitched, sighed and ate throughout the entire show - it's a tiny place so I'm sure we weren't the only ones who were nearly pushed over the edge by these two  

-feeling slightly ill while there due to the meds side effects.

Other stuff randomly:

today it is heavenly outside

tomorrow i go to a wedding

today one of us will carve the pumpkin but we might have to buy more because I think we all want to do it. who would've thought pumpkin carving would be so inviting...it's like it becomes my friend after I carve it or something.

most parents of small children take the good candy from their bags when they aren't looking

this year I just bought a huge bag of the good candy since T doesn't trick or treat anymore...the Whoppers are the only ones left.

been waking up at 3 or 4 am for the past several days for no good reason and toss around till the alarm goes off

need to select photographs for the call for entries next weekend - this always results in a dramatic display of my indecisiveness

sometimes no punctuation is good

I like how the sentences just lay free

-

Today's doctor visit included lots of wtf's. (What the fuck, where the fuck, who the fuck?)

Ok, picture yourself entering a doctor's office. What do you see? You see a nice lobby, a receptionist, a sign-in clipboard, maybe some magazines on end tables. Right? Yes, so do I.

Today's visit to the doctor smashed that image very quickly. I walk in and am met by clouds of incense smoke. I look around and see huge posters of the Doors and Beatles on the walls framed and about 20 various photographs of  horses. There was not a receptionist. There was a man behind a table (looked like a dining room table) with a cap on, tennis shoes and t-shirt typing and answering phones.There were Monster Energy drink cans on the desk, papers EVERYwhere and a carton of eggs on the desk as well. Yes, a dozen eggs - his lunch. It was like walking into a college dorm room. I totally expected someone to pass me a joint at any given moment. The doctor comes out in a hippie shirt and jeans...shuffling through papers. I thought for a second: this is bullshit, this doc cannot be legit...oh my god, what is happening, where am I? etc...but the two hour wait gave me plenty of time to process the place fully.

The doctor was ok. Not very warm or endearing but did her job. Oh and the horse obsession didn't stop in the waiting room. Her office was completely decked out with horse pictures, paintings, statues..even her desk lamp was the shape of a horses head. 

 After some discussion, she diagnosed me with ADD which I've always sort of figured but never had a formal diag. on it. Also Bipolar I, and the anxiety disorder that I've known about. A total of 5 prescriptions to begin. I'm a bit concerned with the amount of pills I'll be taking but I suppose it's what I need to balance out. 

What a bizarre experience... 

Neigh...