I have a very low threshold for emotional pain. This is probably due to having a chemically depressed mind as well as being a highly sensitive person in all ways. All of my senses are heightened. I have amazing vision, probably better than 20/20 and I notice things that most don't. I probably hear at about 5db across all frequencies. I wouldn't be surprised if I heard at close to 0 db. (ok, I'm in the field...basically this means damn good hearing in comparison to the norm). So, you get the point...
Well, emotional pain is here again. Each time something crushing happens, I think the next time should be easier to deal with. This is not the case. It's worse. My mind does not know how to deal with this rationally. It's a sudden feeling of doom. It feels so inescapable that there are only two choices for me. Sleep or suicide. I can't function. I can't be a mom, I can't be a person. I am not there. I want to escape the prison that is pain. This is where depression emerges again. My mother is in town. She hears me on the phone. She's heard this before. The me that is stifiled by pain. No eating, a lack of desire to do anything at all except sleep. She tries to pry me up "C'mon, you need to do this for Tay". It's not as if I don't want to. It's that I cannot. I can't explain this to her. I just say, "I know I do." I do know I need to, I just don't have the tools to at the time. My mind is trapped.
The dread:
Tomorrow is the 4th. I have to function somehow. My family is 'counting on me' to be there, putting on that happy face among too many people celebrating one of my least favorite holiday's of all when I feel completely ill.
My eyes are swollen. My head is pounding. Everything is crashing down when I have everything 'going for me'. Ugh how I hate that statement. "oh, Kris, you have SO much going for you". Well, then why do I feel so empty?....
]]>Things on Tuesday/Wednesday:
Loathe:
unpacking
feeling completely busy when I'm on 'break'
nightmares that had me waking up nearly every hour last night
having to make decisions within a limited amount of time and being completely torn about them
PMS and it's horror
Coach purses (complete waste of $ and ugly as hell - I don't understand the trend)
Happies:
Tay is home!
Waking up and realizing the nightmares are just nightmares
Seeing my Mom
Laughing until my face hurts
Feeling understood/uninhibited
Guacamole
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In my posting here. It's been a busy whirlwind of a week with work winding down and travel to Milwaukee for a national convention. (yeah, that sentence was a W explosion)
The convention was great. So many deaf people were in attendance. I was a kid in a candy shop. It's like, if you don't have a hearing loss, I'm not interested. :-) (not really but I do indeed still get a thrill for an odd reason whenever I see hearing aids or a Cochlear implant)
We had a great time. Highlights included:
Once I get my jet-lagged ass up an at it, I shall post a few pictures. Missed you guys.
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loathe:
love:
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one of my favorite performances ever...
I'm a...
(Just visiting? Take the free test and determine your personality type!)
Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.
For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.
As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.
some pics from last weekend:
Dear Asshole Driver of the white '96 GMC Sierra who smashed into me yesterday evening,
Thanks for the nervous, insincere apologies as you made your sorry ass way to my car yesterday. I know it was difficult for you to get out of your truck in the rain. I mean, who wants to get wet. Who wants to take the time to see if the person that they just hit is ok. Really, the physical damage to the car wasn't really worth getting out for, afterall, your truck wasn't damaged a bit! I'm glad I mustered up the energy to wave my arms in the air, motioning for you to get your lazy, criminal ass out of the truck. Thank you for showing me your 'insurance card' and providing me with your 'cell phone' number. As I wrote them down, I was thankful that you had them. After giving all of those details to my insurance company, I got the nasty little untold story. Your cell phone is, oops, disconnected! Better yet, and even more mysteriously, the insurance company, ya know, from your 'insurance card', has no record of your being insured with them at all.
Ya got me! It would have been more appropriate for you to have gotten out of your truck and just slapped me in the face. It could have been a sweet addition to the neck pain I have now, thanks to good 'ole you.
So far, you're off the hook. No pain, no damage, no worries for you. However, there are advantages to living in the information age. I have two addresses. One for who I think is you and one for who I think is your senorita. I will be driving by your fucking places until I see the vehicle. After I do, I will be taking a photo of it (zooming in on your tag, that is) and you will be charged with fraud fuckface.
bye now. happy driving!
]]>Yesterday after work, it was storming out. I listened to NPR on the way home and stayed behind a person who had their emergency lights on so as not to veer off into the maniacal race of commuters in the downpour. I kept feeling as if I may get into a wreck. Maybe premonition, maybe paranoia...who can tell? Well all was safe for the 45+ minutes of driving right down to the end (almost). When I was yielding to traffic, waiting to exit onto the road that leads to home, it happens - a truck smashes into the back of my Civic. Thankfully no one was hurt.
There is nothing like an accident to put life into perspective.
(and to make you feel shaken up, weak and ill for the rest of the evening)
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