10 posts tagged “depression”

I have a very low threshold for emotional pain. This is probably due to having a chemically depressed mind as well as being a highly sensitive person in all ways. All of my senses are heightened. I have amazing vision, probably better than 20/20 and I notice things that most don't. I probably hear at about 5db across all frequencies. I wouldn't be surprised if I heard at close to 0 db. (ok, I'm in the field...basically this means damn good hearing in comparison to the norm). So, you get the point...

Well, emotional pain is here again. Each time something crushing happens, I think the next time should be easier to deal with. This is not the case. It's worse. My mind does not know how to deal with this rationally. It's a sudden feeling of doom. It feels so inescapable that there are only two choices for me. Sleep or suicide. I can't function. I can't be a mom, I can't be a person. I am not there. I want to escape the prison that is pain. This is where depression emerges again. My mother is in town. She hears me on the phone. She's heard this before. The me that is stifiled by pain. No eating, a lack of desire to do anything at all except sleep. She tries to pry me up "C'mon, you need to do this for Tay". It's not as if I don't want to. It's that I cannot. I can't explain this to her. I just say, "I know I do."  I do know I need to, I just don't have the tools to at the time. My mind is trapped.

The dread:

Tomorrow is the 4th. I have to function somehow. My family is 'counting on me' to be there, putting on that happy face among too many people celebrating one of my least favorite holiday's of all when I feel completely ill.

My eyes are swollen. My head is pounding. Everything is crashing down when I have everything 'going for me'. Ugh how I hate that statement. "oh, Kris, you have SO much going for you". Well, then why do I feel so empty?.... 

loathe:

• sleep deprivation
• hearing a loved one using triple negatives in a sentence! yo, grammar control please
• the realization that I'm quite possibly insane for getting back into this 'relationship' & the fact that it will probably not work out once again
• the fact that Tay's been out of town for two & a half weeks! I miss my girl.
• the flash of depression when I think I'm in the clear

love:

• four more work days & off until August
• getting out of town for the weekend (even though it is work related) * this may turn into one of my loathes on next weeks edition but trying to stay positive here
• the thunderstorms we've had lately
• belly laughs from a 3 year old

Beautiful Stranger

Hope Donahue

Got this one the other day at a thrift shop for a buck. It is an extremely compelling memoir. I think all females would benefit greatly from reading this. (men too..)

I could suffice it to say that I am lazy. This is not really true though. I'm not lazy. I am, however, unmotivated. The mundane has me in a funk. Well, maybe I have me in a funk. It's true, I actually chose this. Of course, when you're choosing to persue some form of higher education, you don't really expect it to be complete with doldrums. (Now, I understand that if this were in a court of law - there would be an interjection here. "your honor, the defendant has yet to state that she has been diagnosed with major depression/anxiety disorder...hello doldrums!") yeah yeah. I know. But I have not been depressed lately.

Ok, with that being said...I've had way too much time to get things that are undone, done. Are they done? Nope. Do I have a valid excuse? Nope. Just overwhelmed and unmotivated. Just can't focus on it for more than an hour at a time.

The thoughts of summer & fall course work make my insides churn. So does the thought of John McCain becoming president. Jeeze. Hang it up man.

Soldier on my darling. Soldier on.

What a strange weekend. Nothing happened that was out of the ordinary...I just felt strange all the way around and am slightly relieved the weekend is over.

Getting through a loss (the relationship kind) is never easy. This time, it's been one of those lingering ones. It hasn't been a devastating one per se, it's been slow...I've tried to stay focused and realize that this is what needs doing. Also, I've had to remind myself time and time again that no one in life is permanent. This isn't something that sits well. It's not a comforting thought for anyone, I'm sure. You have this block of time with someone and you don't know how long that block will be. I found myself in the sunshine Saturday with memories floating all around. I looked up and saw the great red-tailed hawk, diligently watching...protecting.  

So, it's Monday. I am pledging to make the most of this week.

Had to go to the Dr. today for a med refill. We discussed the recurring lows I've had lately. He upped my dosage of the current antidepressant and then said, "we'll try electro shock therapy if this doesn't work". That is NOT something I want to go through. The mere thought of it makes my heart race. I didn't realize this treatment is still being used.

wtf !

pit.

scratch that last post...I may very well not get out of this semester. The schedule that I have (insanely) made for myself is proving to be near impossible and I feel like I'm at a breaking point.

Working on a solution.

I'm upset, irrational and sleep deprived. I miss my partial sanity and happiness.

i feel sick. not physically. those parts are working i think.

the disease and i fight violently. she knots me up.

i lack energy and feel mind chasing mind chasing mind

everything is in a code i cannot crack. windows down, shades closed. no one and everyone is home. professionals say to keep camera with me during times such as these...i see the images i can't press the button. i understand more than ever the link to madness and art. i have felt such intensity that i feel as if i will literally lose life if i don't create at that moment. the urgency drives it. when obstructions such as alarm clocks, meetings..day to day..ins and outs are here, i am sideswiping everything to retreat to some place to shush all that. the tug continues, it's uphill from here.

Relationship ended which tipped that first domino and then lots after...called my doctor who happened to be on vacation in Mexico but still answered the call...and he makes me promise to call this hospital. I called, gave the information on my state of mind and they said that they would definately need to keep me in for 5 to 7 days...which completely terrifies me for many reasons. So my sister came and sat with me, we got out for a bit, mom drove over here..a 6 hour drive...she'll stay for a while...she's so good

I try to explain the feelings or state of mind but it's beyond comprehension for someone who doesn't have major depression. It is not something that one can snap out of. It is like having tunnel vision while being pinned under a grand piano's weight of sick pain.

Now, after laughs over dinner with family and some honest conversation, I am ok. To feel loved unconditionally is rare. I've felt that this weekend and am grateful.

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