30 posts tagged “life”

I have a very low threshold for emotional pain. This is probably due to having a chemically depressed mind as well as being a highly sensitive person in all ways. All of my senses are heightened. I have amazing vision, probably better than 20/20 and I notice things that most don't. I probably hear at about 5db across all frequencies. I wouldn't be surprised if I heard at close to 0 db. (ok, I'm in the field...basically this means damn good hearing in comparison to the norm). So, you get the point...

Well, emotional pain is here again. Each time something crushing happens, I think the next time should be easier to deal with. This is not the case. It's worse. My mind does not know how to deal with this rationally. It's a sudden feeling of doom. It feels so inescapable that there are only two choices for me. Sleep or suicide. I can't function. I can't be a mom, I can't be a person. I am not there. I want to escape the prison that is pain. This is where depression emerges again. My mother is in town. She hears me on the phone. She's heard this before. The me that is stifiled by pain. No eating, a lack of desire to do anything at all except sleep. She tries to pry me up "C'mon, you need to do this for Tay". It's not as if I don't want to. It's that I cannot. I can't explain this to her. I just say, "I know I do."  I do know I need to, I just don't have the tools to at the time. My mind is trapped.

The dread:

Tomorrow is the 4th. I have to function somehow. My family is 'counting on me' to be there, putting on that happy face among too many people celebrating one of my least favorite holiday's of all when I feel completely ill.

My eyes are swollen. My head is pounding. Everything is crashing down when I have everything 'going for me'. Ugh how I hate that statement. "oh, Kris, you have SO much going for you". Well, then why do I feel so empty?.... 

loathe:

• sleep deprivation
• hearing a loved one using triple negatives in a sentence! yo, grammar control please
• the realization that I'm quite possibly insane for getting back into this 'relationship' & the fact that it will probably not work out once again
• the fact that Tay's been out of town for two & a half weeks! I miss my girl.
• the flash of depression when I think I'm in the clear

love:

• four more work days & off until August
• getting out of town for the weekend (even though it is work related) * this may turn into one of my loathes on next weeks edition but trying to stay positive here
• the thunderstorms we've had lately
• belly laughs from a 3 year old

Yesterday after work, it was storming out. I listened to NPR on the way home and stayed behind a person who had their emergency lights on so as not to veer off into the maniacal race of commuters in the downpour. I kept feeling as if I may get into a wreck. Maybe premonition, maybe paranoia...who can tell? Well all was safe for the 45+ minutes of driving right down to the end (almost). When I was yielding to traffic, waiting to exit onto the road that leads to home, it happens - a truck smashes into the back of my Civic. Thankfully no one was hurt.

There is nothing like an accident to put life into perspective.

(and to make you feel shaken up, weak and ill for the rest of the evening)

Today I woke feeling a little down and out. Walked the dogs, made coffee (which tasted terrible because it was stale I believe). A bad cup of coffee is just bad. I walked around the place, feeling the void of T being away...ugh. Not good.

My friend/ex (complicated)  asked if I and the dogs wanted to take a boat ride. So we did. We rode around in the warmth of the sun. It was lovely. It was Mary's first time on the boat and she was a brave Mare TINY! She got up on the edge of the boat and thought she'd try to walk a bit, then slipped and had her first swimming lesson after kerplunking into the water. We all ended up taking a dip.

After boating, we had some watermelon, blueberries and a salad. Took a short nap, watched a game show and then decided to go walking on the nature trail nearby. It was getting dark so we walked it quickly...after this we decided to drive across the street to another nature park. As we drove in, I saw a pair of eyes glowing with the light of the headlights reflecting off...then movement...then more eyes....then out pop 3 raccoons! (one of which stood on it's hind legs and looked at us)  Adorable little things.

And that's that.

Time for sleep & dreams.

Today was a really, really good day. All days should be this nice.

Whew...the week flew by and has been quite tiring after having a week off prior. Tay is officially out of school and will be flying over to grandma's soon and staying for 2 weeks. oh the fear in me. I don't like being without her. It feels unnatural. I know, I need to get over it.

Otherwise:

*was doing speech with a little girl in a room of a local coffee shop and suddenly I hear Weird Fishes playing (radiohead) and it was a moment of bliss. That was not one of my favorite songs off the album until I heard it live. Then, in those moments, it had me teary eyed. It's so moving...if you let it in.

*ex has re-emerged and I have no idea what's happening there. Relationships are...work.

*someone at work who was amazing at her job got the boot and no one knows why. This makes me feel less secure about my former supposed job security.

That's all I can muster up...must get ready for work.

That is where I try to be. In the now. My lovely therapist reminds me of how to do so and the importance of doing so. It isn't easy. Aren't we always thinking of what we should be doing, or what needs doing?! I like that my therapist shys away from the use of 'should'. She does not like to use that term much and I know why now...it's just a guilt bringer...I should be doing this, I should look this way, act this way, be this, do that...etc. It takes our minds off of the now. It's a deterrent.

So, it's Sunday. I am breathing. I am alive. I am healthy.

I am grateful.

Loves

-having OFF both school & work for the week

-listening to Volta (Bjork's latest) finally!! <3

-spending some time each day in nature lately

-lounging in bed with coffee & laptop in the morning

-having my camera with me at all times

-dinner at my sister's

-brunch at IHOP (yay blueberry pancakes!)

-hearing Tay say "I love you Mommy" - it is the sweetest sound in the world

Loathes

-reacting before thinking things through

-not having recycling available (don't worry, I take all of it to a recycling center but until then, it is always a huge pile in my kitchen)

from a walk yesterday

Hikephotos08_Page000

1. I believe I require more sleep than the average human being or something is just WRONG with my internal clock. Have slept for over 17 hours straight on more than one occasion (not induced by hangover or anything of that sort)

2.I love the smell of my dog's breath ( it is uniquely sweet)

3. Can't stand hearing people eat. I can go out to eat with people but a loud eater is repulsive to my ears.

4. I talk to myself out loud including asking & answering questions.

5. I love old Sesame Street clips - from the 80's

6. I tend to take on too much

7. I am competitive when it comes to spotting wildlife

8. Lately & very randomly I miss one of my former Loves

passion, think, question, do, Love, demon, loathing, balance, perseverance, lemon, dancing, smilies, belonging, awareness, educating, trailblazing, push, lust, miracle